Learning to Feel Confident About Something You Can't Change

We all have things about ourselves that make us feel insecure. Maybe it's the way we look, how we speak, or even habits we wish were different. I've always been insecure about my teeth. They're big and gummy, they show up in every smile, and for years I did anything I could in photos to hide them.

You've probably heard all the right messages before: "love yourself as you are", "your uniqueness is beautiful", and "confidence comes from within". Lovely ideas, but when you're standing in front of the mirror or hearing a comment that hits a sore spot, they don't always feel enough. It's one thing to know logically that no one's perfect. It's another to feel secure in your own skin.

Recently, I got a comment on one of my videos comparing me to Donkey from Shrek. A year or two ago, that kind of comment would have really bothered me. I would've felt embarrassed and questioned how I can change it or hide it more. But this time, it was different. I noticed the comment, thought about it for a moment, and then I realised it didn't touch me in the same way it once would have. That was a huge reminder of how much I've grown.

Through this journey, I've learned that we don't have to let other people's opinions decide how we see ourselves. Building confidence isn't about pretending you don't care. It's about learning to care less about outside noise and more about your own self-worth.

We can learn how to feel confident about something we can't change. Building confidence and self-acceptance takes small, consistent steps. Here are some practical steps you can take to start feeling more confident and secure in your own skin.

1. Look at yourself with kindness, not criticism

Spend a few moments each day looking in the mirror. Not to pick yourself apart, but simply to notice. You don't have to love every feature, but you can learn to see yourself with softer eyes. This helps build self-acceptance over time and your brain gets used to seeing yourself as you are, and your negative self-talk softens.

Practical tip: Try a mirror exercise each morning. Look into your eyes and say,

"I see you. You are enough today".

It's small, but repetition builds self-acceptance and makes your reflection feel familiar rather than critical.

2. Embrace the thing you're insecure about

Hiding your insecurities reinforces shame. Practising visibility gradually teaches your brain that being yourself is safe. This doesn't mean forcing exposure, but experimenting in low-stakes ways until it feels natural.

In my case, instead of hiding my teeth, I will smile fully in photos, videos, and conversations. People respond to authenticity and owning your quirks, features, or habits often becomes a source of warmth and connection rather than criticism.

Practical tip: Notice when you're hiding or downplaying your insecurity. Whether it's your smile, a body feature, a way of speaking, or a personal habit. Pause, take a breath, and allow yourself to show it anyway. Observe how it changes the way you feel and how people respond. Over time, this practice helps rewire your self-esteem to associate your authentic self with confidence.

It's small, but repetition builds self-acceptance and makes your reflection feel familiar rather than critical.

3. Reframe your self-talk

Words shape reality. When you criticise yourself, your brain reinforces that belief. Reframing your thoughts into neutral or positive statements rewrites your mind to recognise your value.

Practical tip: Take a notebook and list 5-10 things you usually criticise about yourself. For each one, write a positive reframe.

Examples:

"I show emotion too easily, I look weak or silly" > "My emotions show I'm authentic and human. People appreciate my authenticity."

"My English isn't perfect. People think I'm stupid" > "Speaking another language shows courage, resilience and intelligence. My ideas and perspective are valuable."

"I'm too shy. I'm boring or invisible in social situations" > "I am thoughtful and a good listener. People notice my presence and insight."

"I laugh too loudly or weirdly. People think I'm annoying" > "My laugh is joyful and infectious. It makes others feel comfortable and happy."

"I don't have enough experience. I'm not capable or qualified." > "I bring curiosity, fresh ideas, and the willingness. to learn. Qualities that create growth and opportunity."

"I don't fit conventional beauty standards. I'm unattractive." > "My appearance is unique and memorable, and confidence in myself is more attractive than any standard."se these out loud daily.

Over time, your brain begins to treat these reframes as true, strengthening self-acceptance.

4. Don't feed negativity from others

Criticism often reflects someone else's perspective, not your reality. Even when you're confident, negative comments can still hurt at first. Your brain is wired to seek belonging and acceptance, so when someone criticises you, it can trigger the same part of the brain that processes physical pain. So it's normal to feel that sting. The goal isn't to pretend it doesn't affect you, but to pause and process before you react.

Practical tip: Pause and process before reacting. Take a moment to acknowledge what you're feeling. Maybe it's embarrassment, anger, or disappointment. Naming the emotion helps reduce its intensity. Once you've processed it, you can decide what kind of response aligns with your self-respect.

5. Respond with silence or intention

Not every negative comment deserves your attention, but sometimes speaking up can be the right thing to do. The difference lies in your motivation. If you're responding to defend your worth or to "win" an argument, it often drains your energy. But if you're responding to set a boundary, educate, or stand up for yourself calmly, that's strength in action.

Silence isn't a weakness. It's power when used with purpose. Once you've processed your emotions, you can choose how to respond.

Practical tip: Before responding, check your motivation. Ask yourself, "Am I replying to defend my worth, or to express my boundaries?" If it's the first, pause. If it's the second, respond calmly and briefly.

Whether you choose silence or words, make your choice about you, not them. True confidence is letting your values and confidence guide your behaviour, not your anger, embarrassment, or desire for validation. For example, reacting (about them) might sound like, "I'll reply so they realise I'm not stupid". Responding with self-respect (about you), might sound like, "I'll clarify my point calmly because I value clear communication". Similarly, choosing silence (also self-respect) might sound like, "This doesn't deserve my energy, and walking away protects my peace".

It's small, but repetition builds self-acceptance and makes your reflection feel familiar rather than critical.

6. Build your own definition of beauty and confidence

It's not always easy to do this. Most of us have spent years being shown what we "should" look like or how we "should" behave to be seen as confident and beautiful. Redefining that takes time and patience. But it's worth it, because real confidence and beauty feels peaceful, not performative.

Start by asking yourself, "whose standard am I trying to meet? If the answer isn't truly yours, it's time to let go. Notice the people, styles, or qualities that make you feel calm, inspired, or free. That's usually where your real definition of beauty lives.

Practical tip: Create a "confidence board" filled with images, quotes, or moments that reflect your version of beauty and strength. And include photos of yourself where you felt happy, proud, or at peace. These don't have to be perfectly posed - sometimes the most powerful images are the ones where you're being yourself. Revisit the board whenever comparison creeps in. Seeing your own face amongst the things that inspire you reminds your brain that confidence isn't just something other people have, it's something you already carry within you.

7. Practise gratitude and appreciation for your body and self

Insecurity often thrives when we focus on flaws. Shifting attention to what you appreciate about yourself strengthens confidence and self-love.

Practical tip: Each evening, write down three things you appreciate about yourself. They can be anything. Your smile, a skill, your patience, how you handled a challenging conversation. Doing this consistently trains your brain to notice positives, and less on your perceived flaws.

8. Celebrate small wins

Confidence grows through repeated experiences of showing up as yourself. Acknowledge small wins. Moments when you laughed fully, shared an idea or even just accepted yourself in the mirror

Practical tip: Keep a win journal. Whenever you act with courage, authenticity, or acceptance, write it down. Read it every so often to remind yourself how beautiful you are (inside and out!)

Confidence and self-love are built through small, repeated choices. Choosing to show up, to speak, to smile, or to take up space (even when it feels uncomfortable). And as BTS once said: You can't stop me loving myself!!

Remember: Confidence isn't about being perfect. It's about being authentic, claiming your worth, and refusing to let someone else's opinion define you.

Next Steps:

If insecurities are holding you back from feeling confident or fully yourself, you're not alone. Many of my clients come to coaching feeling exactly the same. They're capable, talented people who just wanted to stop second-guessing themselves, care less about outside opinions, and feel more comfortable in their own skin.

Together we focus on practical tools to help you:

• Build lasting confidence and self-acceptance, even when old insecurities show up

• Develop a kinder, stronger inner voice that supports you instead of criticising you

• Respond to negative thoughts or comments with calm, clarity, and self-respect

• Feel genuinely comfortable showing up - in photos, videos, meetings, and daily life

You don't need to have everything figured out. You just need space, support, and tools that help you perform at your best.

You can book a free 30-minute audit with me where we'll explore what's holding you back, identify small changes that can make a big difference in your confidence, and give you 3 practical actions you can take immediately.

You can book here: book your audit