"Fake It Till You Make It" is Terrible Advice. Here's What You Can Do Instead

You've probably heard it a million times, I've even said it myself (despite now saying it's terrible advice):

Fake it till you make it.

Act confident, act capable, act like you belong, and eventually people will believe it.. maybe even you will believe it too..

Sounds good on paper, but in practice it's not so helpful.

Here's why:

1. It encourages inauthenticity

When you fake confidence, you're basically putting on a mask. You might seem confident on the outside. You smile, speak loudly, or nod along. But inside, you're still uncertain, anxious, or overthinking every word.

And as an expert in faking it, I can say with confidence.. that's exhausting. And it doesn't just drain your energy, it can make you feel even less confident because you're constantly aware that the mask might slip.

2. It doesn't address the real issue

Confidence isn't just about appearing bold, it's about feeling grounded in your own knowledge, values, and decisions. When someone over-relies on faking it, they don't actually do the real work:

• Learning how to communicate clearly

• Owning their ideas

• Making decisions without second-guessing

3. It teaches avoidance

Faking it often means pretending you're fine even when you're not. You avoid the uncomfortable feelings, the self-reflection, or the challenging conversations that actually build resilience.

Real confidence comes from experience and self-awareness, not performance.

4. It can make you more self-critical

The more you fake it, the more you notice the gap between who you are and who you're pretending to be. That gap can then trigger shame, self-doubt, frustration, and imposter syndrome. That's the exact opposite of the confidence you're trying to build.

Real confidence comes from small, deliberate steps. It's about:

• speaking with authority (without over-explaining)

• making decisions that feel uncomfortable but right

• taking up space in rooms where you belong, without pretending to be someone else.

So, how do you get this?

Here's better advice:

1. Start small and intentional

Confidence grows in action, not in pretending. Instead of forcing yourself into a situation that is a huge leap away from where you are now, pick a smaller, manageable step. Each small success compounds and before you realise it, you'll be so much further along than you are now.

For example, if you usually stay quiet in meetings, challenge yourself to make one clear comment or ask one thoughtful question. Notice how it feels, then build from there.

2. Own your voice

Stop over-explaining, qualifying yourself, or apologising for making space (easier said than done, I know..). Clear simple communication feels confident because it shows you trust yourself.

Tip: Before speaking, pause and ask yourself, "do I need to justify this, or is my point clear as it is?".

A lot of the time, the answer is that your point stands on its own. When you do this consistently, people start to take your words more seriously, and your internal confidence grows too.

3. Prepare with purpose

Preparation isn't about memorising a script, but it's about knowing your points, anticipating questions, and having a structure you can adapt.

For example, before a meeting, write down your top 3 points. Think about what questions might come up and how you'd respond. This gives you a safety net without needing to pretend.

4. Practice

Preparing is one thing, but the part a lot of people underestimate is actually practising the conversation.

this matters because:

• it helps you find your natural voice instead of sounding robotic

• you get comfortable with the flow of the conversation, not just abstract words

• you can spot where you tend to over-explain or apologise unnecessarily, and you can correct it before it happens in the real moment.

This is where coaching can be helpful. A coach can:

• play the "other person" in the conversation so you can experience real pushback

• help you refine your message so it lands clearly without over-explaining

• highlight blind spots in how you show up and suggest practical adjustments

• build your confidence faster because you're practising in a safe space

5. Reflect and adjust

Growth happens when action is paired with reflection.

ngl , I'm a little obsessed with reflecting, because I've seen first hand how it's helped me grow into the confident person I am today (I wasn't always confident, I learnt it!!)

So, after a conversation, presentation, or meeting, ask yourself, "what worked and what didn't?" "how did I feel?" "what can I do differently next time?"

Focus on specific, actionable insights instead of just judging yourself harshly. Reflection is about learning and building confidence, not about shaming yourself for mistakes or not being perfect. And even small wins count - recognising them helps you grow and strengthens confidence over time.

6. Build resilience, not performance

Real confidence isn't about being perfect (or looking perfect to others).

It's about showing up even when it feels comfortable. It's about knowing you're not perfect, and being okay with it.

So, lean into the discomfort, learn from it, and recognise that feeling unsure does NOT mean failure - it means you're stretching.

For example, if you get nervous speaking up, notice the physical sensations, name them ("I feel tense, but that's normal"), and take action anyway. Over time, your tolerance will increase and your confidence grows naturally. I promise!

But Beverley... surely there are situations where "fake it till you make it" does work?

Yes, of course. I'm not here to say that it's never useful and there are definitely situations where it's not bad advice.

Situations where "fake it till you make it" isn't such terrible advice

1. One-off interactions / high-pressure moments

For example:

• giving a presentation or leading a meeting when you don't feel fully confident (yet).

• if you use a "confidence pose" or change your tone slightly just for that situation to help you get through without freezing

The important thing is that you know its temporary and you're not relying on it as a long-term strategy

2. Trying new skills before you feel competent

Acting "a little more capable" than you feel can be a good bridge while you build actual skill

For example:

• speaking up in a team meeting when you normally wouldn't. The fake confidence helps you take the first step, but real confidence comes from practice and feedback.

3. Rehearsing / practising social behaviour

In roleplays, coaching, or rehearsals, temporarily "acting confident" can help you get comfortable with certain behaviours.

This isn't about pretending to be someone else in front of others, but a part of the learning process in these situations

So technically, yes... fake it till you make it isn't terrible advice..

but if you habitually fake confidence without working on building real skills, you'll just delay the real growth and end up exhausted, anxious, or even resentful of yourself.

People can also notice and can sense inauthenticity.

So, "fake it till you make it" is a good short-term, tactical tool while you're building your actual confidence, but it's not a long-term strategy. Think of it like stabilisers on a bike.

If you're curious about how coaching can help you build real confidence, and what that could look like for you, get in touch.

Start with a one-hour mini coaching session to get clarity, practical guidance, and clear next steps. No pressure, just focused support.

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