Why "don't tell people your goals" is bad advice (and what actually works for accountability)

You might have heard it from a friend, a self-help book, or a productivity instagram account. They say that sharing your goals makes you less likely to achieve them. It's not completely wrong, but the idea is often oversimplified.

It comes from research that shows telling people your goals can give your brain that quick hit of satisfaction, making you feel like you're already "doing it" before you've actually started. This then removes the urgency to do the work, and motivation drops. Taking it as a hard rule can actually make accountability harder. So what actually works for accountability?

1. It's all about who you tell, and why

The problem isn't sharing your goals, the problem is sharing them with the wrong people. If you tell someone who just nods and says, "that's amazing!!", or who won't ever ask you about it again, then your brain rewards itself with validation. There's no follow-through, no accountability, just a sense of progress you haven't earned.

On the other hand, sharing your goals with someone who will check in, ask how it's going, or just remember your commitment, can change the dynamic and create real accountability. Now there's a social contract and your motivation is supported, not sabotaged (as long as it's not heavy or shaming - I refer back to my point about sharing your goals with the right people).

2. What you share matters

Another reason the "don't tell anyone" advice spreads is that people share the outcome they're aiming for - the big, shiny goal at the end. "I'm going to host a coaching event" or "I'm writing a book". This invites praise too early. Instead, share your process, e.g., "I'm committing to write for 20 minutes every Monday and Thursday". The focus is on action, not identity, so it's more likely to lead to results.

There's also a personality and anxiety angle that people don't talk about enough. If someone is already self-critical or anxious, then sharing their goals publicly can increase pressure and avoidance. In this case, private or 1 to 1 accountability is more effective.

So, the question isn't, "should I tell people my goals?".

It is, "If I tell people my goals, what purpose is that serving?"

And instead of thinking about one extreme or another - telling everyone about your goals vs telling no one about your goals, think about a middle ground: choose one or two safe people and agree how they'll hold you accountable.

3. Accountability isn't about shame

A lot of people think accountability has to be hard or punishing but actually, it's about support and visibility. Accountability is best when you can be honest about what happened, even if it didn't go to plan. If you miss a day, or don't quite hit a goal you set, that's okay. Dust yourself off and try again.

4. But isn't self-accountability more important than external accountability?

Yes... learning to keep yourself accountable is important, of course. But the idea that you should be able to keep yourself accountable on your own ignores the fact that we as humans are social, context driven, and heavily influenced by expectations.

Self-accountability is not about doing everything alone. It's about building systems that don't depend on how motivated you feel that day.

Internal accountability grows each time you do what you said you would do. If that means starting with the scaffolding of external structures, you are more likely to be consistent long-term.

5. How can coaching help?

Coaching can help a lot by giving you a structured, practical way to change your behaviour that is personal to you. Even if you know your goals, it's easy to get distracted by 'shoulds". A coach helps you focus on what moves you towards your goals.

They don't just ask, "did you do it?" but help you design your environment and routines so that following through is easier. A coach gives you the non-judgemental space to explore why you avoid action or procrastinate, because accountability isn't about guilt but reflection adjustment.

If you want support with your goals or building your confidence, get in touch.

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