"I know I should stop softening my language... but how do you actually break the habit?"
- Beverley
- Mar 16
- 4 min read
You're in a meeting, you have your point, and you hear yourself say,
"I just wondered if maybe we could..?"
You didn't plan to say it like that, but the sentence softened itself before you could stop it. and now your point sounds.. smaller than it sounded in your head.
The annoying part is that you already know you do it. You've probably even told yourself you should stop, but when it's a habit you've built over years, awareness doesn't change it. Your brain just keeps doing it automatically.
Here's part of what's going on:
1. Your brain is trying to keep the conversation safe.
Not from the idea being wrong, but from the social risk of sounding too direct. so it adds little cushions: just, maybe, I think, this might be wrong but...
These words come our before you've even decided to say them, and suddenly your recommendation sounds like a suggestions, your opinion sounds like uncertainty, and your expertise sounds like hesitation.
You might want to say, "we should change the timeline"
but it comes out like, "I just thought maybe we could look at changing the timeline?"
It's the same idea, but very different impact.
2. Women are often taught from a young age to communicate like this
Girls are praised for being polite, agreeable, and considerate of other people's feelings.
Boys are more often encouraged to be direct, decisive, and assertive. And over time, those expectations shape communication habits.
3. Softening language becomes a way to protect relationships in conversations
"This approach won't work" can easily become,
" I just think we should look at this approach again because it might not work."
The second sentence reduces friction, it signals respect for the other person.
4. To avoid backlash.
There's also a practical reason why a lot of professionals soften their language.
Research* shows that when women communicate very directly, the behaviour is sometimes judged differently than when men do the same thing
What is described as "confident" in one person can be labelled as "aggressive" or "difficult" in another.
So phrases like, "I might be wrong but..." act as a social cushion and lower the perceived risk of speaking up.
5. Workplace dynamics can reinforce the pattern
If someone is earlier in their career, surrounded by more senior voices, or used to having their ideas questioned, softening language becomes a way to keep the conversation open rather than confrontational.
6. It can be part of a collaborative communication style
Saying, "maybe we could try this" or, "what do you think about this approach?", can invite discussion instead of shutting it down. And sometimes people soften language even when they are confident, as it creates space in case other people disagree.
So when someone says, "this might be wrong but...", what they often mean is,
"I'm testing this idea with the group".
Understanding this is important because it means softening language is not a sign of weakness, and is often a learned strategy for navigating conversations and relationships.
But... it can still create a problem. When those phrases appear automatically when you dont intend them, they start to dilute the strength of your thinking.
So what do you actually do about it?
Because telling yourself, "stop softening your language" isn't very helpful in the moment.
People think the solution is, "be more confident", but the issue isn't usually confidence but habitual phrasing. Your brain has learned a pattern:
think the idea
add cushioning
say the sentence
So if you want to change it, it's not about becoming someone else, you just need to interrupt the pattern.
Here are a few ways to begin:
1. Start with something simple
Notice the words that appear automatically for you (most people have certain ones they say).
just...
maybe...
I think...
kind of...
do you know what I mean?...
Notice when and how often they appear (without judgement).
2. Before you speak, pause and ask yourself a quick question
"what's the actual point I want to make?"
then... say the point.
Not the "just..", not the "maybe..?".
The point.
Instead of, "I just wanted to check if maybe we should revisit the plan?"
try, "I think we should revisit the plan".
The idea hasn't changed, but the clarity and assertiveness has.
It's worth saying that not every "just" or "I think" weakens a sentence and it depends on how it functions (and you probably know the difference).
For example, "I think" can be used as softening, but it can also be used as ownership and showing your opinion. It shows your professional judgement for putting a point forward for discussion. This is why how you say it also matters, not just your actual words.
The same sentence can sound confident or hesitant depending on tone, pacing and emphasis. The goal isn't to completely remove every softening word, but to start choosing your language instead of defaulting to it.
3. Practise in low stakes environments
Don't wait until the big meeting with the person who brings the most softening out of you. Practice it in everyday conversation. Emails, teams chats, conversations with colleagues.
4. Reflect (without judgement)
After a conversation, a meeting, or at the end of the day, think of one moment where you softened a sentence. One is enough. Then rewrite it.
For example, "I just wanted to check if maybe we could move the meeting?"
becomes, "can we move the meeting?"
When you do this regularly, you can start editing while you're speaking (not afterwards).
This is something I often notice when coaching professionals on communication and workplace confidence. Their issue isn't their thinking, but the small words that quietly shrink the message before anyone else has a chance to hear it.
One final point
This isn't about becoming blunt, or dominating conversations, or sounding overly confident. It's about allowing your thinking to come through more clearly.
* Research sources
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