The moment most people give up on confidence work (and what to do instead)

Most people don't give up on confidence work when things are going badly.

They give up when things were starting to feel lighter, easier, more under control, like, "yeh, I've got this!!" ... and then an interaction hits like a punch in the gut.

A conversation where they were interrupted, feedback that lands harder than expected, a moment where someone points out the exact thing they've been working on (not in a good way)..

And it doesn't just feel like the work isn't working, but feels like you've made things worse for yourself. That sinking, low, deflated feeling is SO heavy. It can make you want to run out of the room screaming, delete your calendar, quit everything and move to Bali to open a coffee shop on the beach.

That's the moment most people give up on all the confidence work they've been doing. Even when they realise Bali is just WAY TOO hot and humid and Bali Belly is not what you need right now, they shrink back into the version of themselves they've worked so hard to change..

quieter in meetings

not volunteering themselves

double-checking every word before speaking

holding back ideas that actually matter

What I mean by "confidence work"

When I talk about confidence work, I don't mean becoming louder, more assertive, or not affected by anything.

I mean the work of learning how you show up when there's pressure:

noticing when you rush, over-explain, go quiet, or second-guess yourself

practising clearer, steadier communication

building the ability to recover after a challenging interaction instead of deciding something is "wrong" with you.

Confidence work isn't about never wobbling, but about not letting one moment define you.

Why this moment hits so hard

This isn't just a difficult interaction, but feels personal because you've been doing the work.

When you start building confidence, you become hyper-aware. You notice how you speak, how others respond, and how situations land. That makes every misstep (or perceived misstep) feel heavier than before.

And it's raw, frustrating, and can leave you questioning why it feels worse not than before you started trying.

It's normal and it's the messy middle of real growth.

What's actually happening under the surface

1. It's triggering

When someone interrupts, misunderstands, gives you a weird look, or criticises you, your brain doesn't just hear feedback but, "I'm not confident" "I'm not good enough" "I don't come across well" "I should probably just stay quiet"

It's an old story, and one that has existed long before this particular interaction. And you feel triggered.

2. Not all interactions are neutral

There are those types of people - they dominate or communicate in ways that put others on the back foot. It's NOT a reflection of your ability but a dynamic in the room.

So when you're actively working on confidence, you feel these moments more sharply. You're holding yourself to a higher standard than before.

3. Growth feels worse before it feels better

When you're learning anything it's like this, right?

When I started learning Korean, I was so proud of myself for learning the alphabet quickly and could read and write with little effort.

Then came tenses... and I was so happy after a lesson that I was able to talk about what I had for dinner that day.

Then came verb endings... okay, so now I can sound surprised when I say the dinner I had yesterday was delicious.

Then I learned about formalities... okay, so talking to my boss and talking to my friend need different grammar... understandable...

then... wait, it changes again if I'm talking about my boss, to my friend?! Okay...

then... more? The more you learn, the more you realise there's more to learn.

At first, it feels frustrating, like.. wait, I was doing fine before, why does this feel so hard now?

But you're actually so much further along than you think, you've just moved the goalposts. The wins that once felt HUGE now feel small because your awareness and skills have grown. And it's the same with confidence. Your confidence often feels worse but it' not because you've gone backward but because you can see further. You notice more, care more, and that's EXACTLY what makes the next stage of progress possible.

What most people do next (and why it fails)

After a gut-punch like this, most people:

• replay every word over and over

• decide they're "just not confident"

• withdraw to protect themselves

It feels like the safest option, but it's teaching your nervous system that speaking up is dangerous and that's the exact opposite of what we're trying to do.

What to do instead

1. Separate behaviour from meaning

Ask yourself: What happened? Facts, not interpretation

For example,

"someone interrupted" is fact.

"I'm not making my point well enough" is interpretation.

"someone criticised" is fact.

"I'm so bad at communicating" is interpretation

"someone misunderstood" is fact.

"I should just be quiet and not speak" is interpretation

2. Reality check the situation

Ask yourself: Would this have been easy for anyone? Was this about clarity, or about pace, power, or personality? Am I taking responsibility for something that wasn't fully mine?

It's not about shifting the blame, but about being fair to yourself.

3. turn it into data, not a verdict

Instead of closing a door, "this proves I'm bad at this"

Keep the door open and reframe to, "this shows me what happens under pressure" or "this highlights what I still need support with"

Rebuilding confidence after a knock

Confidence isn't built by theory and flawless interactions, but by how you recover each time.

If you're feeling low right now, you're not failing. You're in the middle of building confidence through experience. so, ask yourself:

what was already improving before this?

what did I handle better than I would have in the past?

if this happened again, what would I want to do differently? (not perfectly, just differently).

Sometimes it's about holding the floor for one more sentence, saying less instead of more, or recovering after a bit quicker each time. These small choices are wins.

If you're working on your confidence and you'd like someone to help you process the tough moments, spot the wins you might be missing, practise showing up more confidently, and you're curious about how coaching can help, get in touch.

Start with a one-hour mini coaching session to get clarity, practical guidance, and clear next steps. No pressure, just focused support.

Book your mini coaching session